


Don't Stop Until Your Heart Goes Numb (TWENTY ONE PILOTS)

by RockWithItWriting



Category: Twenty One Pilots, Tyler Joseph - Fandom, josh dun - Fandom, top - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Other, abuse tw, tw abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 06:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7347985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockWithItWriting/pseuds/RockWithItWriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Word Count: 2729</p><p>Requested: Yes</p><p>Trigger warnings: Abuse mention, Anxiety attack, Self hatred</p><p>Ok so here’s the thing: I have experienced abuse before. I know what it’s like. This request hit home and it took me a long time to write this because of that.</p><p>But thank you for the request!</p><p>(Requested from tumblr)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Stop Until Your Heart Goes Numb (TWENTY ONE PILOTS)

You knew what you knew.

You experienced what you experienced.

It shaped you into the person you were when Tyler and Josh confronted you.

Closed off. Chipper. Scared. Lonely. You never let anyone see you cry, never let anyone see you get angry or nervous or jealous. You were happy.

You were happy.

But when Tyler and Josh pulled you away from where you were hanging out with Brendon Urie and Pete Wentz, just screwing around after a show, that’s not what they told you.

“You look sad when you think I’m not looking,” He had said, looking at his feet, “And I know I shouldn’t bring it up because when someone brought it up to me, I got mad.”

“Look,” Josh jumped in, putting his arm in front of Tyler, “What Tyler is trying to say is that we’re worried about you.” Internally, you were panicking, making up reasons and excuses that didn’t sound worn out or plain out fake.

“Yeah, I’ve just been homesick,” You said, smiling and looking between them. “It’s weird being away from family for so long.” Tyler nodded, clapping you on the shoulder but Josh squinted at you. A pang of fear and anger rushed through you but you shoved it down. Josh didn’t seem to accept it so you had to make it seem more real. Genuine. Everything inside of you was crumbling, even as you tugged your phone from your pocket and said, “You know what? I think I’ll call my Mom right now. Maybe that’ll help me.” Tyler smiled and gave you a hug, tugging Josh back over to the big band bonfire that was going on in the parking lot.

You pretended to dial a number, stepping behind a bus. How were you supposed to tell them? How were you supposed to tell them you had been forced to swallow your feelings as a child? To be happy all the time? There had been a point in time where it had been almost ten years since you cried. Then you became numb. Even then, watching three of your favorite bands perform each night and you felt almost nothing.

The stories online, fanfics, regular stories didn’t do the feeling justice. Neither did the movies. The fictional abuse victims flinched and cried and worried and trusted even though not all abuse was physical. You would never tell anyone what you had gone through, unless they proved themselves. You slid to the ground, back against the bus and willed yourself not to cry. Not to show emotion. You found a spot in the distance and focused on it, making your face a mask, turning yourself into the soldier you had been through your adolescence and teen years. It had been so long since you felt yourself slip into that persona, loud and hyper, to protect yourself from what would come if you showed weakness.

Because that’s what it was about. Being weak.

“Get your shit together,” A voice harped, the figure standing over you, “Stop crying, it’s weak.” The same voice, almost an hour later: “Hey, look, I’m sorry I yelled at you but you need to get it together. It wasn’t bad enough to cry.”

Over and over and over and over and over. Everyday. In different words, different situations. Or, if you expressed distaste for something, it was always: “Why am I the bad guy! Everything is my fault! Have you ever stopped to think about me? Or someone other than yourself?” Memories kept coming, your earliest to the last day you saw your father. Everything was spinning out of control and suddenly your lungs felt too small, yet endless. Your vision was spotted and your eyes burned, ready to cry, ready to weaken you. Because of the strange feeling in your lungs you were gasping, chest heaving, hands on either side of your face. You had an anxiety attack before, you knew the signs. Slowly you let your body fall to the side, wrapping your arms around yourself, pressing your face into the loose gravel. You were still gasping, eyes squeezed shut to try and stop the flow of tears.

Someone called your name, stopping on the other end of the bus. You tucked your chin to your chest and pushed your arms together to shield your face. The person who had called your name dashed off, leaving you to gasp for breath. Soon your head was spinning and you wanted to pass out, to sleep because sleep would be so much better than remembering.

When you heard footsteps again, barely over your chest rattling sobs, it was two pairs of footsteps, two voices calling your name. Your arms were pried apart and you were pushed into a sitting position. It was Josh’s voice, calling your name.

“I need you to calm down,” He said, crouching in front of you, “I need you to calm down because you’re going to pass out. This is not how you’re going to die,” But, even if you opened your eyes and say Tyler and Josh there, there for you, there to help you…. It still felt like you were going to die. Your chest ached and your throat burned. “Please.” Josh begged, voice tight.

“Name five things you can see,” Tyler’s voice cut through your hazy panic, cool and calm unlike Josh’s rough shaky voice.

“You, Josh, the trees, sky,” You could barely speak so you said it all in one breath, adding, “Tour buses,” When you realized you had only said four things.

“Now four things you can feel,” Tyler sat down next to you, leaning against the bus and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. Josh was still crouching in front of you, holding your arms in his hands.

“Josh’s hands,” You said, able to breath slightly better. Your mind was off of your previous thoughts, the turmoil and confusion as you closed your eyes and tried to figure out three more things you could feel. “Your arm. The wind. The bus.” You said all in one breath. Your breathing was evening out but panic was still swirling in your chest.

“Three things you can smell.” Tyler said, voice low in your ear.

“You, Josh, trees,” The answer was easier so you left your eyes closed and focused on nothing but Tyler and Josh.

“Two things you can hear,” Tyler said. You barely skipped a beat when you spoke.

“Your breathing and Josh’s breathing.” Josh squeezed your arms, enclosing your hands in his and bringing his lips to your knuckles. Tyler tightened his grip around you.

“One thing you can taste.” The three of you chuckled briefly, understand why Tyler had saved that for last.

“Tears,” You said.

Your breathing was finally even and nothing hurt anymore. Opening your eyes you smiled at Josh, who looked pale and scared and then leaned your head on Tyler’s shoulder. There was something about the whole situation that made you feel weird. Tyler and Josh came to help you, barely blinking, barely caring. They cared about you. “How’d you find me?” You asked, voice shaking. For some reason you felt like crying again, but not for the same reason as the first time you had started crying. Josh reached up and wiped some gravel off of the side of your face.

“Pete came to look for you and then found you,” He said, moving over to your other side to sit up against the bus, “We came right away.”

“Why?” You asked before you could think about it. Tyler and Josh had validated your feelings and calmed you down at the same time. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had done that.

“We care about you, loser,” Tyler joked. Josh laid his hand on your knee.

“What was that about?” You shook your head, lip quivering. Suddenly you were crying again, burying your face in your knees and wrapping your arms around your legs.

“You wouldn’t understand!” You cried, “Nobody will! Even if I wanted to tell you!” And you cried for a long time but Tyler and Josh didn’t move. Only when you stopped crying, hiccuping and wiping your eyes did Tyler stand, holding a hand out for you and Josh. You rose, ready to put back on your happy face and go back to the bonfire (which would be in full swing because the sun was setting) but instead he lead you and Josh back onto your bus.

“We will try to understand,” Tyler said, stopping at the bunk area, “We will be here for you whenever you want to talk, but you need to sleep. You’re tired.”

Josh nodded, removing his hands from his pockets and wrapping his arms around you. He held you until you wrapped your arm around him, patting his back. Tyler helped you into your bunk and before you shut the curtain handed over his iPod. “I have a playlist that helps with insomnia,” He said when he saw your confused face. You nodded and looked for Josh one more time, but he had already gone. You said goodnight to Tyler and shut the curtain, turning your face to the wall and turning on the playlist he had directed you to.

When you woke up almost six hours later you just stayed still and left your eyes closed. Inhaling you opened your eyes because everything smelled like Josh. Had he crawled into your bunk by mistake? Judging by the shouting you could hear from outside the party was just taking off. Stretching you found the source of the smell of Josh. It was one of his hoodies. Apparently he had draped it over you at some point, but you didn’t care. You slid out from the bunk and put the hoodie on, zipping it up before placing Tyler’s iPod into his bunk. You stopped into the bathroom to brush your teeth and touch up your appearance before stepping into the night air. You could barely make out the shapes around the fire but it wasn’t hard to make out Brendon and Dallon next to Patrick and Frank because, well, two really tall guys next to two really tine guys stood out.

You made a beeline for them, standing next to Dallon for a bit before he noticed you and struck up polite conversation. “Not to be rude,” You said after a few moment, “But have you seen Tyler and or Josh around?” Dallon just grinned and took a pull from his beer before patting you on the back.

“Last time I saw them they went with Pete to make sure he didn’t blow all his money on booze.” You rolled your eyes with a small smile.

“Thanks, Dal,” He turned back to Frank and Brendon, who were passionately arguing about singing techniques. Maybe you would wander around until they got back. You walked around the fire and collected a soda, making sure to stay away from the cookies. Pete had told you, waking you violently that morning, that unless you wanted to get high you shouldn’t eat any baked good unless you bought it.

Taking your soda, you sat crisscross in front of the fire and pull the hood of Josh’s hoodie up. Somehow the whole tour, event the crew members, had convinced the label to rent out an abandoned car parking lot and get the city to let them build a huge fire. You didn’t know how, or how much it cost, but for some reason you had the sneaking suspicion Brendon let the city zoning guy in for free at the previous night’s concert.

(Of course it was Urie that resorted to bribery, really, you expected nothing less.)

By the time your soda was gone it was midnight and you just wanted to go back to bed. Brendon, when he realized you were wearing Josh’s hoodie, took it upon himself to follow you around and chant the ship name the Clique had come up with. Eventually, when you had playfully gotten tired of him, you whipped around and started chanting: “Brallon! Brallon! Brallon!” Brendon looked horrified for a split second, Dallon, who was closer to the fire ended up spitting up his beer.

Then Brendon’s face split into a grin and you were reminded of his face throughout Drunk History.

“Josh!” Brendon called, skipping over to the man, “Josh, are you aware your hoodie has been given away.” Josh grinned and pushed the case of beer into Brendon’s arms.

“I gave it away, loser,” Josh loped toward you, wrapping an arm around you, “Tyler’s back at the car. We’re going to take you out to eat.”

“Josh, I don’t,” You sighed and pulled the sleeves of the hoodie over your hands, “I’m sorry but I don’t really want to go out.” He nodded and pulled his phone from his pocket.

“I understand,” He nodded, “Let me call Tyler real quick, do you want to head back to the bus? It looks like everyone is pretty intent on getting wasted tonight.” You nodded, reaching up to unzip the hoodie but Josh’s hand stopped yours. “Keep it for right now,” He said, “You need it more than I do.”

You split ways from Josh, heading back to the bus. Dallon stopped you for a hug and Gerard accepted one while you were giving out hugs but then you were stepping onto the bus, turning on the light in the lounge. You knew they wanted to talk and you would have to explain. But you wouldn’t. You weren’t ready. The last time you had told anybody the phrase: I was emotionally abused as a child they laughed and said it wasn’t real abuse. It wasn’t a valid reason to be as closed off as you were.

(They were wrong, of course, but you hadn’t gotten to that point of healing yet.)

But maybe talking to them would help. Opening up, sharing something inside yourself instead of holding it there until you bloated, seams ripping and lost your mind.

“Hey,” Tyler said, startling you. You waved and he sat down across from you. Josh followed soon after, chuckling at something one of the boys outside said to him. He sat down next to you and then nobody spoke.

“When I was…” You paused to take a deep breath but, Brendon, who had been passing by the open window behind you, heard.

“A YOUNG BOY!” He shouted, startling all three of you. Josh turned and shut the window before you could hear everyone at the party outside break into song, including Gerard and Frank.

You chuckled weakly before continuing, “When I was younger,” You took a deep breath and Josh intertwined his hand with your to keep you calm. Tyler put his hand on your knee and rubbed in small circles. “I was never allowed to be angry, or sad, or anything besides happy. I was always happy. Hyper. I made myself pretend like I was a soldier who never cried. I remember not crying for almost ten years.” Tyler and Josh shared a look, “I have never felt like any of my emotions were valid until today,” Your voice shook and broke, causing Tyler to switch where he was sitting to sit next to you and Josh to wrap his arm around your shoulders. Neither spoke while you let yourself cry, just once, “But today you guys asked me if I was okay and I’m not and then you didn’t tell me not to be upset or that I was weak for crying and,” You propped your elbows on your thighs and buried your face in your hands.

“You’re not stupid for having feelings,” Josh said, “You’re not weak or bad for having feelings. You’re human and you’re strong and you’re unique.” It made you cry harder, leaning into Josh’s side. It wasn’t a sad cry, but happy. Tyler chuckled under his breath.

“Honestly, you’re stronger than Josh and I put together.” You pulled back to smile at him, taking both of their hands.

“I love you two, you know that?” You said. Josh kissed your cheek and Tyler laid his hand on your shoulder.

“We love you, too,” Tyler said, “If you ever need to be validated or if you’re having a hard time call one of us, okay?” You nodded and Tyler wiped away your tears before pulling you and Josh out to the party.


End file.
